I really don't like being an object lesson. It seems that any time the Lord wants me to share something, it starts with a lesson, often painful, he already taught me. It's much easier to write about things that have happened to others.

This past week was one of the most dreadful, spiritually, I have ever experienced. Depression, despair, frustration, and spiritual warfare are nothing new for me. I've shared with you a number of insights the Lord has given me in these areas. The new part was the intensity of all of these, and the swiftness with which they came over me. Last Sunday afternoon I was thinking about what to write in the next issue of Beneath His Wings. By Monday afternoon, I was totally convinced that God's inspiration had left me, that the vision of ministry he showed me was a lie, and that everyone could care less. Instead of enjoying the last week of my vacation with my family, I became morose, unresponsive, and bitter. I even turned back to my tried and true tactic of shoving my emotions behind a wall so no one could see them.

It was not until Saturday evening, after I returned home, that I allowed the Lord to restore a measure of sanity to my life. As it always should, the process started with confession, and ended with surrender. I can't quite say that things are back to where they were, but that's not entirely bad.

The Lord used this small disaster, as he so often does, to teach me several lessons. Despair is one of the most deadly enemies a Christian can face. It can destroy our witness, hinder our walk, and cut us off from God's love and grace. Even as powerful a witness as Elijah had his struggle with despair, when he fled from Jezebel in fear of his life (I Kings 19:1-18). David often dealt with it in the Psalms, as in the passage above. That said, what is important is not whether or not we ever face despair, as Christians, but how we deal with it when it comes.

First, despair comes at times when we are most vulnerable. As usually happens during my times with my family, I stayed up late and woke up early. Physically and mentally, when the first weekend came, I was already weary, and irritable. I had very little time alone, as a matter of choice, because there were so may people to see (the Cavendish clan is not a small one). As a result, I spent very little time in the Word, or in prayer. Evidently I had only about a week of spiritual reserves built up; once these were exhausted, I had nothing else to draw on. Add to that my ongoing concerns for my wife and daughter, both of whom are away from me right now, and my nagging doubts about my leading, and I was a prime target.

Despair comes directly from the Devil himself. Usually I can recognize the source of the attacks on my mind and emotions, but my blindness this time was so complete I couldn't see beyond my own self pity. If we meet spiritual resistance in our service to the Lord, that's a sure sign that what we're doing is a threat to Satan's kingdom. The Lord has even warned me recently, through his Word, that the attacks would come, but I didn't expect them this soon. That, of course, was one reason they came; I wasn't prepared for them

Guilt often comes hard after despair. I had just written an article the week before about staying faithful, and I had already proven myself unfaithful. With perfect timing, I got several comments from several people, before and after the infamous email surrender, about how much the newsletter meant to them. I wouldn't have believed I could sink any lower in the pits, but I did.

At one point or another, unwilling to surrender to the guilt, I tried to shift the blame. It was really all God's fault; he shouldn't have let me believe I was doing something for him, then desert me. Then again, maybe it was because I didn't get the spiritual support I needed. Those kinds of thoughts made me angry, which made me even more guilty.

I told no one about my struggles, which I couldn't understand well enough to even verbalize. My family knew something was wrong, but had no clue what it might be. They did the one thing I needed most; they prayed for me, as did some of you. If I take only one lesson away from all of this, it's that my own prayers aren't always enough. When you face despair, don't keep it bottled up inside, like I did. Talk with someone you trust, and ask as many Christians as possible to pray for you. Confess your feelings to God, but also confess them to others. Recognize the source of the attacks on you, and take the authority God has given you to chase the Devil away. And – pray for me as well. I can't sustain this ministry alone. You are the major part of my prayer support. I need you!

Top of Page

JESUS IS the Bridge Ministries Merry Christmas!

Beneath His Wings Devotionals - Vol. 1